INTERVIEW
Q*Bert

One of the most lovable video game characters to come along in a while is Q*Bert, Gottlieb's cuddly munchkin-like creature who has won the hearts of many video game players. We caught up Q*Bert in his hotel room recently and had this interview with The King Of The Cute Games.

VGP: May I call you Q*Bert?
Q*Bert: @!#?@! Call me whatever you want. Just keep your feet off the furniture.

VGP: First of all, Q*Bert, I'd like to congratulate you on winning our Golden Joystick Award for the Funniest Arcade Game Of The Year.
Q*Bert: Funny? Yeah, real funny. Let's see how much you laugh when Ugg and Wrongway are after your butt.

VGP: Do you mean to say that life as Q*Bert is not all that much fun?
Q*Bert: Look pal, wise up. All day long I'm hopping, getting chased, getting jumped, getting hassled. Who needs it? Do I ever hurt anyone? No. Do I ever kill anyone? No. I'm an innocent bystander of life. For me, life is a raw deal. One minute you're sailing along,
the next you're being chased by weird green guys with sunglasses. I'm tired of running. All I want to do is soak my feet in the hot tub.

VGP: No offense, Q*Bert, but in person you're not as cute as you look in the game. Interviewers less kind that I might even call you unattractive.
Q*Bert: Yeah, the other day I went into an arcade to check out the new games and the owner offered me a roll of quarters to leave! He said I was scaring off all the kids. I get no respect, no respect at all.

VGP: You're kind of the Rodney Dangerfield of video games, aren't you?
Q*Bert: Yes, only uglier.

VGP: But you should start getting more respect now that your face will be appearing on board games, tote bags, plastic banjos, snow cone machines, knitted pajamas, scratch 'n sniff stickers—
Q*Bert: Did you say scratch 'n sniff stickers?

VGP: Yes.
Q*Bert: Hmmm.

VGP: There are over 125 products in all. How do you feel about this licensing exploitation?
Q*Bert: Look, as long as I get my 50%, they can slap my puss on Mt. Rushmore for all I care.

VGP: I understand your Parker Brothers home video game cartridge will hit the stores any day.
Q*Bert: Yeah, and it had better be better than that crap Pac-Man ended up with.

VGP: Somehow I thought you would be a little bit more, uh. . . cultured and refined.
Q*Bert: What did you expect, John Houseman? My entire experience consists of hopping like an idiot on 21 cubes over and over again. You want well-rounded? Try interviewing Dig Dug. Talk about stupid. . .

VGP: Dig Dug is dumb?
Q*Bert: Let me put it this way--you can have RAM and ROM memory up the kazoo and still be a total moron. What, did you think Popeye was a PhD.? Besides, I'm as cultured as the next video game character. It just so happens that I am quite an art lover.

VGP: Is that so? What kind of art do you particularly enjoy?
Q*Bert: Cubism.

VGP: I think I've had about enough of this.
Q*Bert: Hey pal, life is a pyramid, and you can jump off any time you want.

VGP: You mentioned before that Dig Dug was dumb. What about Pac-Man?
Q*Bert: I feel that if you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, you shouldn't say anything at all. But I will say this--I hate his guts. Puke-Man makes me sick.

VGP: What?! Pac-Man may be the greatest video game character in history.
Q'Bert: He's a pathetic video wimp punk. I'm tired of playing second banana to that poor excuse for a smile button. He couldn't eat his way out of a paper bag. And if he had any guts, he'd be here to defend himself.

VGP: Those are pretty strong words there. What do you think of Frogger?
Q*Bert: Frogger?! He's got the lamest game I've ever seen. I'll tell you--if all I had to do was cross the street, my life would be a lot easier. Get that wart factory up on a pyramid and see how long he survives.

VGP: What about Donkey Kong?
Q*Bert: Give me a break. Send that junk back to Japan.

VGP: How can you say those things? What about all the great new games from the last year -- Zaxxon, Pole Position, Joust, Time Pilot?
Q*Bert: Scrap Metal.

VGP: Alright, alright. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I suppose. Now, speaking of scrap metal, I understand that you have a 16-bit microprocessor while most games have 8-bit ones.
Q*Bert: So what?

VGP: You know, you're not being very cooperative.
Q*Bert: @!#?@!

VGP: I really can't understand why so many video game players are so taken with you.
Q*Bert: It's probably because I'm so incredibly adorable. Ever since Pac-Man, every new game has to be adorable--Pengo, Burger Time, Popeye. It's enough to make you barf.

VGP: You, The King of the Cute Garnes, don't like cute games?
Q*Bert: Hell, no. I like to kill things. If I had my way, I'd bomb Slick and Sam with thermonuclear heat-seeking missiles and we'd really see some flesh fly.

VGP: I think I'm beginning to get a handle on your philosophy of life.
Q*Bert: My philosophy is simple--any thing green is good. Anything purple is bad.

VGP: What do you think is the biggest problem facing the world today?
Q*Bert: Not enough flying discs.

VGP: Q*Bert, if you could meet anybody in the world, who would it be?
Pete Rose? Sylvester Stallone?
Q*Bert: Ms. Pac-Man.

VGP: So that's why you don't like Pac-Man! You're jealous!
Q*Bert: Me? Jealous of that slab of cheese? If Ms. Pac-Man spent a few waves with me, she wouldn't have to go running after any ghosts, that's for sure.

VGP: So you're waiting for Q*Pid, eh?
Q*Bert: I'll make the puns here, okay? Yeah, I'd like to settle down with a nice girl, do a little travelling, raise a few little noses.

VGP: How do you expect to take Ms. Pac-Man away from Pac-Man?
Q*Bert: You'll see, tonight, after the arcades close down.

VGP: Do you believe in petting on the first date?
Q*Bert: No, I believe in padding on the first date.

VGP: Do you feel that a man should open the door for a lady?
Q*Bert: That depends on the door.

VGP: Q, you mentioned that you'd like to travel. Where do you want to go?
Q*Bert: Egypt.

VGP: Why Egypt?
Q*Bert: I've always wanted to see the pyramids.

VGP: Do they have video games in Egypt?
Q*Bert: I figure they've got to at least have a couple of Tutankham machines.

VGP: How do you feel about those people who think video games are bad for us and want to ban them?
Q*Bert: I agree with them. I feel that all the Pac-Man and Defender and Donkey Kong arcade games should be gutted and made into homes for illegal aliens and bag ladies.

VGP: You don't really believe that, do you?
Q*Bert: No, seriously, I think video games are good for children. Not only do they improve eye-hand coordination, they also help cure cancer and reduce nuclear proliferation.

VGP: Very funny. Surely you'd at least agree that video games are helping to introduce children to the computer revolution of the 1980s?
Q*Bert: Of course. Playing Congo Bongo is an excellent way to learn computer programming. Computers are wonderful. It used to take me 45 minutes to balance my checkbook. Now, with my computer, I can do the whole thing in just three days.

VGP: You know, it's very easy for you to sit there and make fun of everything to do with video games. Right now you're number one. You're at the top of the world. But this is a hit oriented business, skin-head. A few months from now people will stop dropping quarters into your slot, and they'll stop buying your stupid scratch 'n sniff stickers. There will be some hot new game out and everybody will forget you even existed. What do you think you're going to do then?
Q*Bert: I'm considering running for President in 1984.

VGP: President?!
Q*Bert: Yes, I plan to model myself after my favorite politician, Q*BertHumphrey.

VGP: You, the President? You're short, bald, ugly, and you have the intelligence of a five-year-old child.
Q*Bert: You're right, I'm overqualified.

This Article appeared in the Aug./Sept. 1983 issue of
"Video Games Player" by Dan Gutman

 

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